Research

{Researching} So I have been sick now for two weeks! yes two weeks! stupid cold, sinus, cough, sore throat, headaches, ear aches, you name it, I got it! SO today I have basically been sleeping most of the day with the ear ache and head pressure going on! hasn't been fun...I thought I would get on and blog after I have been sitting here trying to come up with ideas for Christmas gift ideas and searching on the internet...

 

I had a talk the other night with my mom we discussed and just chatted about everything and all about this baby making stuff...she talked to me about some ideas and things to think on so I have been doing a lot of research on the web looking at different Dr's and kind of just trying to put together a plan or something affordable that Trev and I could go through...its so hard to try to come up with new ideas and new options because all your other options have failed over and over...yes the last IUI we went through, the one that I basically almost gave up on even doing because I was in so much pain...it failed...this is where it all begins after you have a failed IUI then I am constantly thinking of new ideas like I have said before, I have not given up on this hope for a baby because I feel like if this is seriously on my mind 24/7 then there is a reason why...its just like my mom always says "some people just have to fight harder for a baby" and it is so true...I will fight till the end...I will fight until we have this babe into our arms...while researching and looking into a few different sites I ran across a site and I wanted to point out some things that were said on this website that really caught me and how true these words really are...

 

• A study from Harvard Medical School in Boston shows that woman who have difficulty getting pregnant can be as depressed as those who have major heart problems or cancer.
• Having difficulty getting pregnant can cause as much grief as losing a loved one.
• There's a fear that life will be eternally empty, some feel a sense of damage and brokenness; it goes to the heart.
• Its almost impossible to convey what its like to people who haven't gone through it. There's a feeling of despair and loss that you just can't qualify, so much weight is on the line, so many questions...
• Woman wonder why our bodies are betraying us, why won't it do what it is supposed to do!?
• Woman get so heartbroken with every failed test, they get angry, they get disappointed to where they want to give up on everything and even life itself...
• Couples get into a very dark place, they began avoiding friends, family, phone calls or texts, canceling plans and not making new ones, just to get away from the questions of everyone.
• Treatments can be so intense that even when money is not a factor, the stress can be too much to continue.
• Woman become slaves to their monthly cycles, monitoring ovulation dates, when to take fertility pills, how many days in between each menstrual cycle and so on.

I wanted to just write a few of these down because so many people just don't understand how hard it is for someone that goes day in and day out of the struggle of not being able to have a child or the difficulty couples go through trying to have a baby that have to fight for this angel to be apart of there family. I read this article and I sat there and realized how much of that article fits me lately...other than going to work to provide for my family, coming home and making dinner for my husband and I, and always stressing over little things...I cannot explain how much baby is just on my mind...having a baby runs through my mind everyday and if someone followed me and looked over my shoulder everyday and watched every little thing I do...you would be amazed...constant googling, putting notes down in my phone, tracking menstrual cycle, putting on my calander when to start fertility, putting the dates down for each procedure and when it failed...seriously if I lost my phone and someone found it and went through it they would probably think I was insane...in fact there was one night I got home from work and told my husband we have to go to Logan! my phone would not turn on, I tried everything, I was seriously freaking-that phone is my life! some people think they can't go without there phone because they need to check facebook or whatever, I basically can't go without my phone because of my notes and calendars.

 

I just want to say when someone is dealing with constant fails of not getting pregnant, its seriously a touchy subject...its hard when people ask questions, or people are constantly talking of other pregnancies it makes couples want to put ear muffs on and run out the door...some people don't understand how touchy we are-I have sat and listened to people talk and talk and not stop talking over pregnancies that I have tried with all my heart to hold back tears...sometimes it gets that hard to the point where you can't hold in the tears anymore, yes we couples are so happy for other couples that are expecting, it is just so difficult because it gets to the point where you just want something so bad...and its like you can't do anything about it! we have no control, you feel like a failure at times...its just really hard...so just a word from this gal that is struggling if you know of someone that is going through the difficulty of trying to get pregnant but can't, just common courtesy think before you do or say...it really is a touchy subject between husband and wife especially when everyone is getting pregnant around you but you...its hard, and couples have to deal with it everyday and put on a happy face and be excited for them even through the struggle of what we are going through...we couldn't be happier for everyone that gets to hold those sweet babes in there arms and get to teach and love on them. As for now all of us couples that struggle will keep praying, and having faith!

 

I have to brag about my husband, the day I found out my IUI failed I had a moment...I broke down into tears and so many thoughts rushed through my mind..."I give up, why am I not good enough to be a mom, what's wrong with me, I am a failure, I can't give my husband a baby," I mean all these thoughts just rush through your mind you just don't know where to begin or what to do next...Trev left and went and got us some dinner, I had a moment home by myself there were a lot of tears, screaming, bawling so hard I was shaking, cursing at the man above....I mean what else...when Trev got home I had the bedroom door closed and locked just having my girl moment for awhile...he still came to check on me...he never leaves my side through any of this, he is always there to hold me and tell me this will all work out even when I have told myself I am done. I love this man with all I have, I know God has made us go through this struggle for a reason and I think it is to bring us closer, to show each other the love for one another more, to be patient with each other and to always be there for one another. This isn't a fun struggle we have been through but as long as I have my husband by my side I will fight until the end. I love you Trev and thanks for dealing with my break downs at times! On a side note when you go through bad days getting your hair did, a little shopping, cooking snickerdoodles, and putting your Christmas Tree up in November always makes for a happier day...hope you enjoy todays blog! Enjoy the pictures!