The Start...

I have been thinking a lot of how I want to word everything on this blog and basically what details I want to give out or how to write it...I think of all the blogs I have read that have lifted me up or helped me get through some tough times of not positive answers so I am going to lay it all out from step one! Trev and I have been trying to make this family grow for about two years now...and all I keep thinking about is wow we are both getting older and we don't even have one child yet...my dream as a kid was to grow up, get married and have our first kid at the age 24 and here I am now 28! you cannot plan out your life that is for sure! you have to take what comes and what goes or what doesn't come...God seriously has a plan for everyone and I believe this with all I have! Sometimes I tell myself maybe I am just not supposed to have kids for a reason, maybe God has other plans in the future for Trev and I...then I say this to my mom and she tells me differently "some people have to work harder to have children" I almost think to myself is this a test? We need to show how badly we want this child in our family, we need to spend all this money that we don't have to prove that we really want this angel to love, teach, and raise. Sometimes life is so frustrating and exhausting that you just keep wondering why? why us? So many thoughts and questions go in and out of my mind when I am alone driving, or sitting at home thinking to myself over everything...I have a cute pup that I treat like my child, he is spoiled, and I love on him every chance that I get, I care for him like he is my human child...my family teases me because this dog goes everywhere with me, he wears dog clothes, bow ties, gets treats all the time, gets to go to Pet Smart on his birthday, etc...he honestly is my comfort shoulder-if that makes sense? this dog reads me, he knows when I am upset, when I want to burst into tears or when I literally am bursting into tears he stays by my side and follows me everywhere...I sometimes think we found Max (my pup) for a reason to help comfort Trev and I...just my thoughts...I can see Trev's mom right now busting up reading this! but really Max honestly has brought up bad days to brighter days...just looking at him with his cute under bite to make us smile. He is honestly our child right now and will be known as our first child even when we do have our first human baby :) he will go everywhere the baby goes!

We started this crazy adventure in Logan, UT where it was time to start going to the Dr to see what the problem was...yes this cost us tons of money with all the tests, all the planning on when we could do the test when we had the money, and how we were going to do this...Trev and I both are not ones that make a huge amount of money and so a lot of thinking through, writing things down, calculating the amounts and a huge help with family that has been behind us every step of the way...helping us when they can see us struggling, living pay check to pay check, trying everything in every way to be able to afford everything that is needed to get through this process. Parents are seriously amazing and I think to myself each day how do you repay them with all the support and help they have ever helped you with. My mom has been my rock every bad day that I stepped out of the Dr's office I knew I could call her and get a positive answer such as "Britt, you are going to be ok" "This is going to happen" or even just a hug to let me know she loves me and is here for me...Trev and I have a lot of family that is so helpful and loving...it is hard to talk about the struggle without bursting into tears so its always nice just to get a hug and be told that we are loved...just to know that we are cared for. Trev went in and had some testing done which all came back awesome, everything was fine. I went in and had blood drawn and every other fun thing a woman has to be checked for! ultrasound of my ovaries to make sure everything looked good...all of our "tests" came back just fine...they started me on some crazy pills as what I call them...I was put on clomid at first and I was on that for a good part of the first year...don't ask me how I handled being on that for that long! it made me nuts! from being happy, then into tears, from going home and bawling to getting so ticked that I could feel my blood pressure boiling...I mean literally my neck would go red because I would be so angry at something that really was nothing to be angry with! it was not a fun pill to be put on! I finally got the ok to be switched to something else because they needed me on a different pill that would help make a follicle so they switched me to a pill called femara...this was a lot better with the hormones but I do have to admit both clomid and femara have made my skin go to crap! ever since I have been on the two I have crazy acne/scars now which I have never in my life had a problems with acne till I started those two and basically it stays in your system because I am still dealing with the acne problem from this day...not only acne but weight gain...it makes you want to eat everything in sight! SUGAR! I will have to find a picture of before I started this journey from now...Yes I have gained weight I have never had a problem with weight till I started this whole process...I was always the little short, skinny kid growing up so between all this acne/weight gain/mood swings this makes a very depressed girl...on top of still no child. Luckily I have a husband that sits beside me and always tells me how much he loves me and tells me how beautiful I am, when I am telling myself how gross I am looking and can't even stand to look in the mirror or shop for new clothes anymore! Once they started me on femara I went in for a procedure called the HSG to see if I had a blockage they basically go in and look at the uterus and fallopian tubes to see if there is a block...my left ovary had some issues as they put dye in a tube and basically if the dye doesn't go through then you have a blockage...they always struggled trying to get a big enough follicle on my left side from the very start of this so when we had this done the dye took forever to get through my tube with a lot of having me move and the guy doing this having to push on my lower stomach....not a comfortable feeling at all...usually when having this done it helps open any blocks up so we went on our way trying again...another scheduled appointment to come back to the Dr in a month and have another follicle check.

(if you don't understand what follicle check means, you can google it, there is a lot of information regarding this)

This is why I am writing this blog because this is no short process this has been going on for two years so there is a lot of procedures to be explained! I don't think people quite understand when they ask "so how's it going, what have you guys done, what's your next step" If people want our story and what we have done and what our next step is I would be standing there telling you day and night for hours what we have done and where it has taken us, so I have to give a brief update and I don't think people realize how much heartache it really is to stand and talk about it...but I have been told by a lot of people you handle this so well. Which I do when I am in front of people, you have no clue what I go through behind doors and when I am home:) I just hold back the tears and put on a happy smile and go my way throughout the day! don't get me wrong! I am a happy person! I love life, I love being married, I have the best family ever! just when it comes down to the baby talk and business that subject is so hard to deal with!

I have attached a link of Bobbie Thomas that works for the Today show, her story is seriously amazing and I go back to this story often to read it because she puts her whole heart out there and explain how hard this process is! how much people judge you and look at you by weight gain etc...people honestly need to realize "everyone is fighting a battle so think before you judge"

http://www.today.com/parents/bobbie-thomas-no-more-whispers-im-doing-ivf-proud-it-1D79856706

And just a few picture that make me really happy in life when I have had a crappy day or when I have gotten not so happy answers...

He has answered so many of my prayers

 SNOW CONES!

 Family walks at the Logan River

 This boy and his smile

 Family Fishing

 Red Fish Lake

 My husband and puppy child

 My sisters and mom time

My Momma!

 Playing at the park

 My sisters

 Brother and Dad

 Memories with mom

 My parents!

 DIET COKE

 Bear Lake

 New Nike's

 My Dad

 This happy boy

 My dad and his laugh

 New Boots

 The Beach

 Grams and Mom in Law

 LADY A!

 My In Laws

Mr. Max

 

I have to add on my nieces and nephews! I don't have just one picture of them all together but all those little stinkers can brighten anyone's day!

Along with all of Trev's family cousins/Aunts/Uncles/Grandma/In Laws! There is never a dull moment hanging out with Trev's fam its always a good time and lots of laughs! again I don't have just one picture of all of them together!

Enjoy todays post!

Up Lifting Quotes

A few quotes worth a thousand words!

I am quite addicted to Pinterest, so whenever I am feeling down and need some good words I scroll through Pinterest and find some good quotes that lift me up and help crappy days feel like better days!

 

 

 

 

 

Carl off of the movie UP really does remind me of my husband...Trev has never left my side through any of this...when being put on fertility pills that make you emotional/chubby/zitty/moody and everything else that is does to you, my husband has always been there from the times we walked out of the Dr's office with negative answers to the times where I would honestly get in our car and burst into tears after sitting in a room with your Dr trying with all you have to hold back the tears...I know each day is a new day Trev and I will get through this adventure and we will have our happy ending soon!!

 

{7/9/2011}

{7/9/11} I could go back to this day any day and do it all over again! This day was by far the best day of my life! everything was perfect! especially the day I walked down the aisle and met my best friend at the end of the aisle-the way he looked at me, his smile, his blue eyes, my handsome man in his tux I couldn't wait to say the words "I do" to him! I fell in love the moment I saw him-our first blind date, that was set up by one of our best friends. I lived in Pocatello, Idaho and he lived in Logan, Utah...we had a long distance relationship for a year-I remember each day getting off work on Fridays how excited I would get to be able to know that I got to see him every weekend! Trev and I basically hit it off the day we met-we loved each other and we both knew it...I remember after our second date I drove home to my parents house in Malad, Idaho and I had told my mom "he's the one" my mom told me "Britt take it slow-don't jump into something fast" there was just something about Trevor that made me fall in love, the fact that we dated for a year, long distance and I didn't have to worry! {trust} is a huge thing I look at! I trusted Trev with all I had! I was falling so in love with this boy every time I saw him!

The day we said I do...so excited to be husband and wife not knowing down the road we would struggle with making our family grow and being able to have children. I say this to everyone-no one knows how painful  it is until they have been through it. It is a daily struggle between husband and wife and it has brought Trev and I closer and made our relationship even stronger...we have been through a lot of ups and downs through this whole journey.

I am writing this blog because not only has it helped me to view other peoples blogs that are going through this same problem as husband and wife but it has also been a blessing knowing that we aren't alone-so many couples are going through this just like us and my heart breaks for them...

This blog is my diary of our adventure-our story of everything we have went through every painful negative answer we have gotten, and every procedure we have been through! I have loved reading other people's blogs about what they have been through and what they have tried-it has helped Trev and I to be able to bring up new ideas of what else could helps us, what have we not tried to get this little angel into our family.