{Mia}

Yes that's right {MIA} I have taken some time away from the blog world, I have taken some time away from a lot of things lately...I have kept to myself quite a bit lately I have been having ME time sometimes life can get so complicated that you just want your alone time. It's been really quiet and emotional around the Larsen home for a couple weeks. Trev and I have been taking a break from the world and have been having husband/wife time, sometimes in life that's what you need and I can honestly admit that's what I need lately just my husband to hold me, to let me cry to, let me shout words that I never thought would ever come out of my mouth...this is life at the Larsen home lately lots of emotions that have been held in that are finally bursting. There's this tiny blonde haired girl that can hold as much emotion in to the point that it reaches my breaking point and the tears just start flowing, the angered words come out that you wouldn't think this tiny body could ever shout out of her tiny mouth but this person is human and this person is {me}. I am venting...this blog is mainly about infertility/life/struggles AND the joy of life/my hobbies/things that DO bring me happiness when my mind takes a break from the infertility world.

When I say I've been taking a break from the world that probably means I haven't texted you back, I haven't returned your calls, I have told you I wasn't going to be stopping by and that's just me saying I'm an emotional mess right now and really can't handle to be around anyone or even speak because when I do speak I just start crying. This isn't me trying to be a mean person it's me simply saying I can't handle life right now...my life is revolved around my husband, my dog, my parents, just my family, and my job. I talk to my family because my family knows me, they know the right words to say or not even words, just a simple hug to say they care. I have kept my distance away from a lot of people simply because Trev and I are in a spot where we are stumped on decisions, simply confused, frustrated and really {don't} want to be asked "when the next procedure is" "did the last one work" basically asking if I started my period...folks! If I'm pregnant I will let the world know! I will stand out on my patio and shout with all I have with joy and tears! You will know when it happens so let's just not worry about what Trev and I are doing and if I'm not pregnant, yes I said not pregnant because that is how our journey is going! There is issues and these issues I have voiced in my blog as my dr has said I'm in the unknown category as to they don't know why I'm not getting pregnant you can see how frustrating this can be unknown!? Really so basically your saying we can keep putting money down on all these procedures but we will not know for sure if they will work-basically that's what we are dealing with.

We went in last month for a follicle check and the follicles were perfect right on 2cm that they had to be! So plan was IUI same day! Only this IUI wasn't the same as the last 5 or 6 that I have had, they used a different dilator to dilate my cervix possibly so it would help not be so painful, along with stretching my cervix, along with giving me meds to help my cervix dilate, and another med that basically makes me relax and fall asleep...did it all help? Was it still painful? {YES} it was all painful, but I was more relaxed until they decided to give me 3 shots to numb me...{VERY PAINFUL} so we get the whole procedure done, lay upside down for 25 min and head out the door...at this point I couldn't walk because of the pain but also from the meds ha! I was saying some pretty weird things to Trev and slurring my words...then laughing...the whole thing was a fun day when they put you on crazy meds I guess! Then the waiting games happen again! Yet another failed IUI, emotions, frustrations, and words just burst...so basically you go through all this pain for more pain at the end and not happy endings...get my jiff? See why I go into my own little world of not talking to anyone and just wanting my quiet time? Sometimes I need that quiet time behind the doors with no one around. I have basically shut out the world like I said-I have deleted basic websites I was on and had accounts on, and I have shut off everything around me so I can just focus on me and what me and my husband need right now. Basically this was the last IUI planned...we have no other options till I speak to my dr and basically our only other option is IVF or adoption if we keep going on this process. We are done putting money down on IUI's that seem not to be working and especially laying out money that we don't have... Along with the words of IVF or adoption-this will be in the near future obviously because these two options are just not a possibility for us right now as we don't have that kind of money to bring in or do we make that kind of money to be able to go forth with those two decisions...basically these are something you have to go to a bank and plead for help in getting a loan that's how much both of these cost-along with no insurance to cover any part. There you have it! My updates on what's been happening and why I have kept quiet or to myself a lot lately or not even have been myself...it's hard this whole thing is hard I feel like a punching bag-I just keep getting punched over and over to the point where I'm on my knees with no more hope feeling like I don't know what to do next...I'm broken hearted. Like they say "when life gets too hard to stand kneel" I don't mean to vent, or make this a depressing blog...it's not a depression thing it's to help others that are going through this whole process too, the struggle the hurt, we are all in this together and I can honestly admit being there for someone who is going through a bunch of failed IUI's we are in it together, and hopefully one day we will have our happy baby miracle!! XO!

To end today's blog on a happier side I hope everyone had a happy holiday and I hope everyone has an awesome New Year! Bring on 2015! Let's hope this year goes better than 2014! I'm leaving you an awesome recipe I made for my family over the holidays, I tried to make these last year and they didn't work! But like my grandma Vaughan always told me when cooking "practice always makes perfect" so I tried to make these licorice caramels again this year and I found if you have your candy thermometer range to 248 to 250 they work better and they don't end up sticky! Like last year mine were too sticky you couldn't even eat them! This year they were perfect!! I got this recipe from the amazing How Does She website! love this website!

http://www.howdoesshe.com/black-licorice-caramels/

BLACK LICORICE CARAMELS





1 can sweetened condensed milk

2 cups sugar

1 cup butter

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 1/2 cups white corn syrup

1 teaspoon licorice or anise oil 

1/2 teaspoon black paste food color

Instructions

In a pot mix the first 5 ingredients together: sweetened condensed milk, sugar, butter, salt, and corn syrup.
Cook and stir the mixture constantly over medium high heat. Use a heavy metal spoon or spatula to scrape the bottom of the pan while stirring, this will prevent it from burning on the bottom.
Cook until the caramel is to the soft ball stage or light brown. If you have a candy thermometer it will be done once it reaches 232 degrees. {like I said I range mine from 248 to 250}
there will be little flecks of brown in the mixture, this is normal.
If you don’t have a candy thermometer here is how to test if it is done:
Fill a cup with cold water. Spoon out some of the caramel mixture into the water. Squish it together with your fingers and let it cool down a bit in the water.
Remove it from the water, feel it, taste it and make sure it is set up enough. This is the consistency the caramel will be once it cools.
Once it is done cooking, remove from the heat and add the licorice or anise oil. Stir it through the mixture.
Next measure the black paste food coloring, stir it through the caramel.
Stir till the mixture is black all the way through.
Butter a 9 x 13 pan (don’t miss any spots, we want this to come out after it sets up). Pour the caramel mixture in the pan. Do not scrape the bottom and sides out, there is usually a bit of sugar residue that you don’t want to crystallize in your caramels.
Set aside and let it cool. When it is firm and cooled completely loosen with a spatula and place on a buttered counter.
Tear a piece of waxed paper and place over the slab of caramel. Cutting on top of the paper and this will prevent the caramel from sticking to your knife. Cut the pieces into 1 inch wide strips.
Go back over the strips with the waxed paper and cut them 1 inch squares. Separate the caramels after cutting, if you pile them on top of each other they will stick together.
Tear pieces of waxed paper about 4 1/2 inches wide. Lay the strips on top of each other and cut in thirds.
Place the caramel square in the center of the waxed paper piece. Wrap. ENJOY!

Just a few pictures from the holidays! we had so much fun and enjoyed the time off and especially being able to see each other and hang out its hard because Trev works every weekend! so we don't get to see each other that much, so it was nice to spend time together! 
Thanks for reading todays blog!