National Infertility Week April 19th-25th
Found this on the internet and wanted to share its worded perfectly!
Infertility Etiquette
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling
with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the
United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully
uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during
this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The
pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because
it is a recurring grief. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they
may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's
nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby
will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves
for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad
news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This
process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut
that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple
moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account
depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel
like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you
pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility
problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.They
will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.They
will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming
a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile
loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't
know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the
journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of
the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone
knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once
she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing"
are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until
they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most
infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have
tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't
infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly
infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise"
create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The
woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good
chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming
pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a
couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations,
hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet,
people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . .
." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a
doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a
child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't
Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful
journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These
couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch
those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house.
These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and
they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same
joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel .
. etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people
feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent
just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's
Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the
incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late
or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a
child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along
the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she
could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing
that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved
one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different
life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life
for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week
before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a
stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger
woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has
been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing
that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent
just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a
comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein,
don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than
infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the
cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to
be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad
mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the
business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the
pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind
up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the
"maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a
medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask
Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in
which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's
sperm in a petri dish. This is a method that can produce multiple births. People
frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would
use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Be
Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but
some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's
vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure
the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only
irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This
message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your
infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your
infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life
in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there
are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one
rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that,
when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of
discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right
to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your
infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend
would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those
discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant
woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for
nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman
would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if
I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals
to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was
hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the
leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she
can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting
you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to
show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in
order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your
friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are
Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility
causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood.
I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a
baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in
parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities
involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether
you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time
you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of
responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant
longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also
probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their
families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile
couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like.
Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the
night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables.
Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be
perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we
discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's
Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which
is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially
are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as
sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious
manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to
find out more about infertility so they can help their loved
ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone
else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank
teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is
expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend
wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information
that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption
(Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents.
(As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs
to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption
decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they
must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose.
Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When
my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first
question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was,
"Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker
emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open
another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to
start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and
it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let
go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby.
This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your
friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right
decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the
baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples.
(The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said,
"Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However,
"pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing
if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk
about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to
your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is
nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of
yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do
to lessen the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You
Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that
you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious,
let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a
friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there
for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through
this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity
on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers.
Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get
away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons
devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with
your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important
celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very
painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on
Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them.
They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support
Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility
treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision
to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a
baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had
mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to
stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and
don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple
has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or
become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind
them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
